I stepped out of my dads care and I had a huge pain in my chest. It had been there since Biology, but not this bad. We looked for the door. The first door was locked, we didn't know were to go. It became harder to breath.

Dani looked at me and asked "Whats wrong with you?"

"It hurts to breath," I replied.

We walked into the building and went past the desk and chair at the beginning of the hallway.

"If you feel sick you tell me," Dani said.

"Alright," I muttered.

We walked to the large room were the party was being held.I looked to the left and everyone was looking at the pictures on the wall. Joey turned and waved to Dani and she waved back. We walked farther into the room and I began to tear up. It became extremely hard to breath. I gave Dani my card, she gave Alyssa a hug and put the card on the gift table. I went to hug Alyssa and I began to cry.

"What's wrong with him?" Alyssa asked Dani.

"He can't breath," she answered.

Alyssa took me back to the room with the desk and began to talk to me.

"Bobby look at me," she told me.

I was gasping for air at this point and my eyes were so full of tears I couldn't look at anyone.

"Bobby," she continued, "Breath through your nose and out your mouth."

I tried, but it hurt to much. I began to gasp for air even harder. I was so scared, so many things were running through my mind. My biggest concern was that I didn't want to leave Alyssa's party, I wanted to be there for her.

"I'm fine," I muttered.

"No you are not," Alyssa replied, "Now breath through your nose and out of your mouth."

Dani returned and Alyssa left, she told me to sit down. I kept gasping for air, I had no idea what was happening. Alyssa's mom came over to check up on me. She asked me a couple questions. She was going to check on me again in 15 minutes and if I wasn't breathing better, then she was gonna call my parents.

"Dani, Mysti wants you," said Alyssa.

"Now I'm gonna go see what Mysti wants," Dani told me, "Just stay here."

I didn't want to leave the party, so I got up and tried my best to act like I was okay. That didn't work to well, because I was still gasping for air. I urned the corner and saw the group of people again. I noticed that Jake Ezzo was looking at me with a concerned look on his face. Dani brought me back to the chair and Mysti followed her. Mysti was putting the finishing touches on her card for Alyssa and Dani was giving her the pictures. I began to cry even harder. It hurt so bad to breath. I began to clutch at my chest.

"Whats wrong," Mysti asked.

"Its hurting him to breath," Dani replied.

Mysti came over and helped Dani try to calm me down.

"Bobby lean back," Mysti said, "Its okay I have your head."

I tried to lean back, but the pain got worse and I went back.

"Go get Ms. Fullana," Dani told Mysti.

Mysti ran back to the room were the party was being held and within a few seconds Ms. Fullana was back again.

"We're gonna have to call your parents." Ms. Fullana said.

Soon after, Kati, Mr. Fullana, and some random lady were standing in front of me. They all began to ask me questions and I couldn't speak. I was only able to mutter out a couple words. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I looked up at one point and saw Matt Jones just standing there. He soon left and my parents arrived, it took them a while to there thou. They didn't help at all and just made me feel worse. My parents aren't the best people to be helping someone with a problem. My mom will just smother you and my dad will tell you to suck it up.

My dad called the paramedics and told them as much as he could about the situation. All I could think about was the party in the other room and how I was ruining it. It took the paramedics a good 10 minutes to arrive. One man sat at the table in front of me. Another guy crotched down next to me and a women stood right in front of me. They told me to take a deep breath through my nose, hold it for 4 seconds then let it out through my mouth. It hurt so bad.

The guy crotched down next to me put my coat over my shoulders and held my arm as we all walked to the ambulance. I was very afraid that they were gonna take me away. We walked up the stairs and they had me sit on the bench. They took my blood pressure, listened to my breathing, and put something on my finger to test something.

"Have you been in any fights?, Have you fallen?, Did you take any drugs or alcohol?" They asked.

I said no to every question.

"Have you been under any stress?" They asked.

I was very hesitant to answer that question. I had been under a lot of stress for the bast month, but a answered with a no.

"Its either anxiety, stress, or worse case scenario PE?" they said to each other.

I began to think about what PE meant, but I had no clue. They told me that I just had an extreme anxiety attack and will be fine.

I just got back from my day with Nicole and Sarah at SU. It was just what I needed to clear my mind and not have a care in the world. It took Sarah and I about 30 minutes to find Nicole's dorm, because there weren't any street signs any were. People must steal them, they might have some value. We finally found her dorm and we headed straight to her room. It was very small and a large wooden closet separated the Nicole from her roommate. There was very little space on both halves.
We all sat down and started to talk, not about anything specific, just anything. We didn't stay there long, because Sarah and I wanted to check out the campus. I should have worn more than just a zip-up, I was so cold. The campus was so peaceful and nice. I could have stayed there for hours, if it was 20 degrees out. There wasn't many people out, Nicole said they were all still in there classes. We walked around for about 30 minutes, completely forgetting about the fact that it was freezing out. It was the nicest walk I have ever had. There were so many places I wanted to go, like there Library and so many other places. Every were seemed like the perfect place to just sit.
We went back to her room and stayed there for a while, we actually got on to the topic of... lets just say, I needed it. Talking about that put everything I was doing in perspective. I met her friends and her roommate, they are all so nice. There aren't any groups in college. Its so great. No one is singled out, because you don't have time for that high school drama in college. There aren't any fights, just armed robberies. LOL. Soon it was dark out.
We left her dorm and went to a pizza place a couple blocks away, again I should have worn more clothes. There were people walking past us left and right, not even noticing each other. I guess thats what happens in college. All you care about is you, you still have friends, but you not as cramped together like in high school. We walked into Varsity's and had a couple slices of pizza. I saw a very... nevermind. The pizza place was a very nice place to just sit and relax. We stayed there for a little while, then headed back to Nicole's dorm one last time.
Sarah's mother was waiting for us and we got into the car and left. It was a great day. I can't wait to go to college.

I heard his voice on the phone. I made me feel sick. Not sick that in a mean way, but sick because I knew he wished I wasn't there listening to him speak. I felt so horrible. I almost vomited. Once he was off the phone I started to cry. I know that I should be over it by now, but I still hurt so bad inside. Everything hurts. Why did I have to say those things? I didn't mean them. I just felt like I was being attacked. If only I could explain everything, I know he would understand. After I stopped crying, I began to think about his smile and how that smiled could make me smile no matter what. That smile made me feel so good. Then I started to think, about how I never see that smile and how I am the reason because of it. I have destroyed that smile. I cried again. This was the worst I had every cried before. My face in my hands, I just wanted to die. I started to hyperventilate, I couldn't catch my breath. I looked at still objects and calmed down. I haven't been the same since. I'm so sorry. Please...The world I once knew is gone. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I didn't mean to, but I had to.
Its the only way I can sort of forgive myself.
I deserve to hurt and be in pain.
Its all my fault.
I'm so sorry Dani and Alyssa.

Everything is perfect, nothing can go wrong...
My dreams and aspirations are shattered...nothing
I start to get crushed by deception... not even close.
Everything comes crashing down on me... a thought here and there.
The battle of the titans, I was trying to make everything better... so close.
A barrier that keeps me out... the straw that broke my back, I gave in.
The pain was unbearable, but not matched by the purpose.

I can't believe its over. I never saw this coming. I didn't want for this to happen. I was willing to change my flirty ways in order to make it work. I don't want to lose those wonderful memories of being in his arms, kissing him, holding his hand in the movie theaters, and everything I love. I still love him with all my heart and that will never change. I really wish this didn't happen. No one can compare to him, and thats the truth.

I MISS YOU!!! SO MUCH!!!

     I have never really known what I've wanted to do with my life after high school. I have always heard that I should be a gymnast or a bowler, but those things aren't what I want. I might be good at them, but that doesn't mean I will be happy doing them for the rest of my life. There is one thing that I want to pursue in my life, and that is art.
    It always makes me so calm and complete. I could sit down and paint or draw for hours. I love doing it and I love learning about other artists, so I can make my art better. Most recently I have been drawn to clay work, mostly coil pots and hand building projects. The more I work and continue to build on my art skills the more I want to let this be my life. I love the feeling of a new piece of art being completed, and reflecting on how well it has developed. My teachers have made me feel very strongly about my artistic abilities and have helped me decide on my career. My boyfriend and my best-friend have also steered me in this direction and I am very thankful for it.
     However my parents aren't to thrilled with my career choice. They are afraid that I'm going to turn into another starving artist that barley gets by. They fail to see how happy it makes me and how much I want this to happen. If only they could really see how much potential I have.
    The main reason why I am writing this journal is to talk to other artists. I would love to hear how you guys have done in the Art field and would be very happy to talk with you. I would like to meet other artists and see or listen to how it has been going for you. So if you are an artist please give me some feedback. Or any other person who wants to comment.

    Its impossible for me to be mad at you. I love you way to much to ever want to think any differently of you. I don't care about what you did and I don't want you to think that I'm going to hold this over your head, because I promise I won't do that. I love you so much.

    I'm so sick of letting him make me cry. I don't know why it gets to me so much. I don't like him at all. I wish he would just die, but for some reason I still cry. I hate crying. It makes me feel like him am forcing other into my problems. Thanks dad for ruining my life. You've done a great job so far, but I won't be ruined anymore. I have someone who cares about me and loves me. Thats all I could ever want. You have saved me from being a emotionless loser. I probably wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. THANK YOU!!!

My Special someone this is for you. I LOVE YOU.

    Oh my gosh, today is so boring. No body can hang out and I really want to hang out with my Baby. I miss him a lot!!! Its been so long since we've hung out by ourselves. Its always so nice to be with him, I am so happy. Okay I need to stop talking about that, its making me sad. I wish I could hang out with somebody today.
    This has been a very interesting week. Probably one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. First, the whole school finds out that I'm gay, and one of my "friends" says that she doesn't even want to sit next to me. Then I cry in school in front of my boyfriend and many other friends. Not what I really want them to see. I had a little uplifting being over at my BFF's house, but my boyfriend couldn't come. I was very sad, like all night. But just to top it of, I end up throwing up at her house. Also something I don't want my friends to see.
    I guess it can only go up from here. I really hope I can be with my boyfriend soon. I really want to be with him again. I'm always so happy when I'm with him and I always get so excited when I talk to him.
    So I'm going to go outside to do some gymnastic stuff: Back-handsprings, Back flips, splits, all that fun stuff. Bye


P.S.144343634

    I love spending time with my best-friend, she is so awesome. We always laugh so hard when we are together, and its always about something so stupid. Thats mostly what our days together consist of, but nobody can laugh to much.
    We were playing Friends: scene it and I won. I felt so awesome, but it took us like an hour or two to finally finish the game. We kind of got side tracked talking to my boyfriend. He wasn't able to come and I was sad for a very long time, I missed him a lot. The only time that it was a good thing he didn't come was when I threw up. I was drinking some mountain dew and I started laughing. This happened before in the same night, but I was able to keep that down. To bad this time I couldn't. I kinda tried to swallow and chocked so my gag reflex kicked in and I vomited in my cup. Only a little bit thou. I felt very stupid.
    Now my best-friend has seen me cry and vomit, not what I wanted her to see. After that happened we started to look at pictures we took and I saw my boyfriend in them and he looked so cute. It made me smile the biggest smile ever every time I saw a picture of him. I love him so much!!!

P.S.144343634

    I really have no idea how she found out. I never told her and l told knows her. Now she going around telling everyone and I'm the center of everyones conversations. "I can't look at me the same way. I'm so shocked. I never saw this coming." Thats what everyone says. Well I think everyone needs to mind their own business. The only people who should be in my business are my boyfriend, best-friend and me.
    By the time I get in to school I'm sure the whole school will know, Because of one blabber mouth chick who couldn't resist telling someone. Especially when its about the kid she has been attached to for about 2 years. Well now shes gonna have to get over me, I'm not even swinging her way. She says she regrets ever dating me, well I regret ever meeting her. She is a self-absorbed, mean, control freak. I'm done with her and I don't want to be even associated with her.
    I have my boyfriend who I love so much, and I have my best-friend who is always there for me, and Alyssa and Kati who have just newly joined our little circle. Thats all I need.

P.S. iLj  144343634

    He's the best thing that could ever happen to me. He's the only person who has ever loved me as much as I do them. He's made me go from having my worst year in school to my best. He always makes me smile every time I look at him or think about him. I couldn't imagine being without him and I am mad that I didn't talk to him a year before when I had the chance. I'm talking about my boyfriend and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!
    We were first "acquainted" at the mall when my best-friend sort set us up on a date together. We knew each other before that, because we both had a crush on each other the year before. Thou we just never talked to each other, I was to afraid to. After that little date we had at the mall it took us a little while, but not much long after were we holding hands and kissing. There are some key dates that stand out in my mind 11/9/07, 12/1/07, 12/2/07, 12/26/07, and 12/29/07. I really don't think I should go into detail as to why they are important, but they just are. Anyway, we have been going out for about one month and a week. I couldn't be happier. He makes me so happy.
    He has said some really sweet things to me that I haven't heard anyone ever tell me in my life. Everything that I hate about myself he loves. Even when I'm not feeling to confident he still loves me and that makes me feel so good. If  he can still love me after me having a little bit of a confidence drop, then he is the best boyfriend in the world.
    I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and can't picture myself being with anyone else. I know that might scare some, but its true.

P.S. ILJ

    Do you have that one friend that you can't get enough of. You want to be around them all the time and some how they brighten yup your day. Even if they are having the worst day of your life, they always make you feel better. They might say a few sarcastic things here and there, but you don't care. Well I know I have a friend like that.
    I stared off my sophomore year in high school with no friends. Well almost no friends I had a couple, but they were those fake friends. Well we used to be friends in seventh grade, but everyone knows how school is. You lose most of those "other" friends when new years start. Anyway, we were reacquainted in my English class and we hit it off  ever since.
    She was the first person that I told that I was gay. Its pretty strange thou. We weren't that close of friends and she didn't really like me that much. She was actually using me to hide the fact that she was gay. You know pretending to like me so her friends wouldn't get suspicious. But when I came out to her, she was actually relieved. She always knew I was.
    Well we've been best friends ever since. She is my number 1 friend. We hang-out and talk all the time and i couldn't see myself without her.

     Telling your parents that your gay isn't the best thing for them to here. Parents may say that they love you and try and always be there for you, but when it comes to coming-out its a completely different story. Their world becomes flipped upside-down when they here that their child is that freak that they always joke about.
    My parents constantly belittle and degrade gay men and women to a point were I can't take it. They have no clue that I'm gay and I like it that way, but there is a part of me that just wants to tell them and change their perception of what a gay person really is. It is very hard for me. I sometimes am unable to look at them, because I know they are staring at a person they hate. They may clam that they have no problem with gay people and completely accept them, but actions speak louder than words.
    It sickens me and hurts me to know that I am the manifestation of everything they hate. They haven't said they love me and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to believe them if they did say it. I can just feel it in my soul that they hate me. Can't stand to be around me, not wanted to look at me. They don't know yet and I'm not sure they will ever know.
    I really don't know what to do.